Do as your heart tells you
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Brendan follows his heart.


**Do as your heart tells you :)**

Do as your heart tells ye, that's what farther Des told me to do and who am I to argue with a priest? I need to tell Steven that he's making a mistake marrying Douglas, that he should be marrying me instead. I have tried so hard to let him go but it's pointless he's there in my head, every day, every night and it's eating me up. I have to be honest with him and I've only got one more chance to tell him how I feel, once he's married it's all over.

Chez tells me to leave him be, that he's happy with Douglas, ye know really happy; but I owe it to myself to tell him. I'm not the same person I used to be and I know that if I just had one more chance with him, that I could make him happier than Douglas ever could. I know Steven, we are similar in many ways and although it may not seem like it at the moment, Douglas won't be enough for him. He needs so much more than that Yank can give him; he needs me just as I need him.

I am deeply hurt by Chez, I am trying so hard to put things right, but I feel that by her organizing this sham of a wedding that she has made the rift bigger between us. I love Steven doesn't she see that, can't she see how much this is hurting me? I come home and i find a wedding program and there he is my beautiful Steven, alongside him is Douglas of course. I cover over his face and all I can see is Steven smiling and although it's just a picture, he completely blows me away.

My heart tells me to fight, to never give up and that's what I'm going to do. If I do nothing then he will always be my biggest regret and I don't want that. I want to live my life with him by my side, I want to wake up every morning and see his smile, I want to spend the rest of my life loving him and showing him that I have changed, that I'm a better man and that I can give him all of myself at last. I pray that I still have time to show him.

I know our past was awful, I played him, hit him and even used him at times but I can't change it, it's done now. I thought he meant nothing to me, I thought I could keep him in my life without having feelings but I fell in love with him and he got through the barriers and the wall I had around my heart. Then he showed me how to feel, he showed me real happiness, he showed me love and I don't want to be without that now. If this wedding goes ahead I don't know what I'll do.

I can't even begin to describe how I feel; it's like im having a really bad dream that I can't wake up from. How I wish all this was just a dream. Without him life is just unbearable and to think if I hadn't have sacked him from the club then none of this would be happening. If's and but's are no good to me now I know, but they are all I have. I want him more than I have ever wanted anyone and if he goes ahead with the wedding and ignores my declaration then I think I might die.

I know it took me a while to be able to stand up and be myself, but I'm no longer afraid or embarrassed about who I am. Like Father Des said, love is beautiful and he's right, it is, at least with Steven it is. He is the only love I've known and the only love I want to know. People say things all the time, words come cheap but I mean what I say and I want Steven to really see me like he never has before. I want him to know everything, maybe then he will understand.

Right now my heart is telling me to go to him, to take his face in my hands and bring his lips to mine. It's telling me to show him exactly how he makes me feel, to hold him so close to me and never let him go, feeling his warmth against me. It's telling me to feel every inch of his beautiful body, to indulge myself with every part of him and to lose myself completely in him. All these things I can do easily but he has to feel the same and I'm not sure that he does anymore.

I tell father Des that I'm taking one day at a time, when in all reality I have almost ran out of time and if I don't hurry up, make my move and follow my heart then I will lose him forever. I can't lose him…I can't. So I find myself walking past the deli and I see Douglas, he stares right at me with that gormless glare and I just look at him like he is something I've just stepped on. How else am I supposed to look at him, he has everything. He has the man I love.

I find myself at his door, my heart is beating so loudly that I'm sure when he opens up he'll hear it. I'm scared of how much I feel at this moment, but mostly I'm scared in case he rejects me. He has the ability to destroy me or make me the happiest man alive. I can hear footsteps now, someone is coming and I feel light headed all of a sudden. Then the door opens and he is stood there infront of me.

"Brendan what are you doing here?" he asks.

And I reply "I'm doing what my heart tells me."

**Please review, pretty please xx xx xx**


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